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Empty or Guilty?

guilty

Empty or Guilty?

Posted by Shereen Thor

I find myself struggling with these two emotions. Feeling empty, or feeling Guilty…

Which is worst?

I mean let’s be honest they both suck ass. So fuckem both lol.

But being on the tail end of the millennial generation, my life (ever since college) has been filled with social media and cell phones.

It’s just the new norm.

My childhood wasn’t this way. There were no cell phones, there was no Instagram…and we did just fucking fine.

But somehow now there’s this belief that if we don’t have an Instagram, a twitter, a Pinterest, a Snapchat, and a Facebook we are TOTALLY OUT OF TOUCH.

But what if you like being out of touch? What if you CRAVE being out of touch. What if being out of touch gives you the most inner peace that you’ve felt in a while?

Is it okay to be out of touch?

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?“

This is an age old question used by philosophers to measure the legitimacy of something happening without other eyes or ears to validate the experience.

Am I less alive if people don’t see me being alive on Instagram? Am I less legit if people don’t hear me being legit on twitter? Am I less of a mother if I don’t post pictures and videos of my daughter on Facebook. Are my experiences less real in my life if I don’t constantly report that they occurred?

I think you get where I’m going here. I mean what the fucking fuck.

No seriously.

What the fucking fuck has happened to us that we don’t even experience life through our own physiology anymore? It’s not how we feel, sense, or reverberate anymore. It’s how many likes we get, how many comments, how many people acknowledged that “thing” happened and mattered in our lives.

FUCK THAT.

The mere thought of that pisses me the FUCK OFF.

FUCK YOU if you think my life is less real because YOU didn’t see it. That is ludicrous and let’s just be honest – quite narcissistic on your part.

When I think about posting on social media I have two feelings. Emptiness, or Guilt.

If I post, I feel like I am not doing it for myself, it is actually for other people. I also feel like the moment is stolen from me and is now for others to experience. As if I am just living for them rather than myself. Like I am seeking validation. Like I need the outside world to experience my experiences with me or for me or they aren’t relevant. I am literally getting angry just describing this lol.

If I don’t post I feel guilty. Uh oh, I’m a bad mom I didn’t gush about my daughter to the whole world. Uh oh, I suck at entrepreneurship because I’m not marketing and posting and sharing constantly. I need to listen to Gary V and makes sure “I document my process” for the world to see.

But what if I don’t want to document my process? What if I just want to experience my process? Internally. Be IN my world rather than share my world all the time?

I want to enjoy a dirty delicious meal, not post a picture of it for others to see. I want to revel in hugs and kisses with my kid not post about them. I want to love the shit out of my husband, not answer the call and obligation of a “love your spouse challenge” so that the rest of the world can be included in our love.

It’s not for them. It’s for me. It’s mine. And call me selfish but I want to keep it for myself.

I crave a quiet life. A life where I get to be a philosopher not a journalist. I want to go inside. I want to be quiet. I want to be disconnected. And I also want that to be okay. For everyone to shut the fuck up sometimes. And the only way I am going to get that is to unplug.

I hope this does not make me an asshole. I hope this does not make me less of a mother or entrepreneur. And honestly if it does then so be it. Because given the choice between being viewed as “nice” (nice? wtf is that anyway, who gives a fuck about nice) or living an authentic life where happiness and truth dictate my actions – I choose happiness and truth any day.

When I give myself permission to unplug, it makes me more grounded, peaceful and balanced. Which FYI equates to more happiness.

Happiness…you know what that is right? Just about the only fucking thing that matters.

Forgive me if I don’t document the happiness for you and the rest of the world to acknowledge and envy. Sometimes I’d rather just BE happy. #MICDROP

That was supposed to be the end of the blog. But I felt the need to say…

Please don’t waste your time getting upset about this blog, you would then be wasting your most valuable currency (your attention) on something that is actually irrelevant and inconsequential to your direct happiness and quality of life.

Please just allow this super snarky, overly bitchy blog to support you in examining how you could give yourself even more happiness too. You’re welcome.

15 Dec 2017 No Comments

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